Today's Work

Adventures in Paradise

2010-02-09T22:01:00.003-06:00

So, I have yet to actually meet Shawn but I must say that the mere thought of him is an adventure in paradise (thanks Minnie Riperton). Sure, he has flaws, but no major character flaws that would make me want to cut off all communication. That's a good thing...unlike Joe. What a horse's behind! Anyway, back to all that is good about life. The last couple of weeks have actually been a little crappy but I can't complain because they haven't been the crappiest. I'm down to 213lbs. which is great! It's the smallest I've been in a long, long time and it happened without me really trying. I've hit ups and downs but the weight is coming off. I used to have pains in my arms and headaches. Those are gone now. I'm 32 pounds lighter. Granted it did take a year and some change to lose that but that means the weight is more likely to stay gone. Now I'm actually going to make an attempt to tone up a little. My figure is still fabulous (my body has always been proportionate, just large in overall stature), but I'm starting to see where I lost weight and what I mean by that is I'm seeing a little bit of looseness. Nothing that a little muscle toning can't fix. In the meantime, I would like to share my weight chart with you just to show all of my ups and downs. Being healthy after being unhealthy for such a long time is no easy task!

My Weight Chart:

It's Gonna Work Out Fine

2010-01-28T20:06:00.003-06:00

It's way past time for the "first post of the year" post, but this is the first post of the year for this blog (how sweet). New man, new semester, new hopes. First, the new man. We'll call him Shawn. He is so wonderful. He's tall, caring, responsible, and a whole bunch of other good things. The only downside (so far) is the fact that we are in two totally different time zones. He's on the west coast and I'm in the dirty south. If it isn't one thing... I suppose it's a good thing though. My usual time frame for talking with a guy is a about one to two weeks. It's been two months with him. Is this the start of something beautiful? It could be!

The semester is fairly decent so far. I failed in getting my scholarship back last semester but this semester is already looking up. I'm the president of the Spanish club and I'm working on getting to be a favorite student of my adviser. When I get ready to apply for the Spanish scholarship, I'll already have a leg in.

As of today, my phone is once again shut off. As a matter of fact, it was shut off a few hours ago. The good thing: I have a work study this semester. It's only five hours a week but those five hours can go a long way. I've also set aside some of my pride and I went back to textbroker. I try to write a few articles a week. Last year I pulled in $363.11 from paid surveys. Unfortunately, I fell off track with the surveys last semester because I couldn't figure out how to balance my time between surveys and homework, but this semester will be better. I didn't do very many surveys between the months of October and December but I did manage to pull in an extra $10 - $20 each month from it. The storm is about to be over.

So far, my year is looking pretty bright.

I'm Looking for my Mind, pt. 2

2009-12-01T15:54:00.001-06:00

It has been two months since the last post. If you looked at the date of the last post I guess you would know that. My head has been on the brink of falling off for the last couple of months. My grade point average is actually suffering a bit because of that. I've been so consumed with studying that I forgot to actually learn something in the process. So, pray for me because I'm praying for me to get my scholarship. It's going to be a very close call though. It hurts like all get out but I can't cry about it anymore. I'll just have to find another scholarship. Fortunately, I have another scholarship that I'm attending school on, but it isn't enough to cover everything. It definitely helps out a lot, though. I haven't even had as much time to do surveys. I've gotten $10 from Synovate, $5 from Opinion Outpost and $7.60 from Clixsense. I've gotten a little more money from other sites. It's a great bonus but not enough to keep the phone on. I'm so ready for January to come. I've never been so excited or in such a rush for the year to end but I am right now. I'm trying to get my head right. I'm trying.

I'm Lookin' for my Mind

2009-10-05T18:14:00.003-05:00

So, I'm supposed to be studying at this very moment, but this is what happens when I try to do online research for a class on my own computer. I get distracted (Take note folks!). Guess what? I'm officially writing for Hubpages now. I figured that the best way for me to make money freelancing is to write about what I know. Apparently, what I know isn't good enough to get an upfront payment from Associated Content and I figured that since regardless of whether or not I get upfront payment from either AC or Hubpages, I'll still get "residuals" or performance payments from both. So I chose Hubpages since I get to keep the rights to my work and they get placed in the search engines a lot quicker. I'm about $40 away from getting my phone turned back on (donations are always welcome). I've only written six hubs, four of them within the last couple of months. If I go ahead and turn at least half of the ideas in my head into hubs, I'll start making money off of them and I'll also generate a little more traffic to my blogs. Like I said in the last post, which I made so long ago, the goal is to be able to pay my phone bill every month. After that, we'll aim a little higher. Sometimes I have unrealistic expectations, which you probably could tell from previous posts. I try to keep my head out of the clouds. I'm getting better about it. If I stick to the basics and say my prayers, I should be fine.

Try (Just a Little Bit Harder)

2009-09-07T19:41:00.004-05:00

I'm letting go of some of my pride and I'm going to try for 3-5 articles per week with Textbroker. I'm also going to try to publish at least one or two articles per week with Associated Content. That whole plan that I had set up a couple of weeks ago has kind of been shot to Hades but it might actually be for the better. I think I can at least pull in about 3 articles a week with Textbroker and that's not overworking myself. I think one of my smaller goals is just to be able to keep my cell phone on every month and with that goal I should be able to do that. I still plan to keep writing for Work-Online. I also need to be able to put a little more time into promoting my actual money-making blogs. I'll figure it all out somehow. Trust that by my birthday (November 10), I'll have a more than a little bit of money in my pocket and on my way to financial freedom. I want so bad it hurts.

Back in the Saddle

2009-08-26T14:57:00.002-05:00

Finally! I got back to school on Sunday. It is now Wednesday and I have completed my first day of classes. And...guess what. Joe actually text me. How often does that happen? Well, only a few words for today to display my excitement. Glad to be back!

Workin' Day and Night

2009-08-16T14:37:00.004-05:00

I know I'm being picky. I know I don't need to complain considering I do need money. However, I'm having just little bit of a tough time with Textbroker. Why? Because, I consider it to be just a little bit degrading how much some clients are willing to pay for articles. Some people will literally work for pennies and I know that I'm not the best writer on the market, but come on. I'm just breaking into the freelance game and I'm trying to build my portfolio but some of the articles up for grabs there are a little ridiculous. For instance, there are several clients paying between $2 and $3 for articles that are 400 words. That's less than a penny a word! For most articles you have to do a few minutes of research before you write them. It may take anywhere from twenty minutes to an hour to write the article. Now, some of the articles are easy enough to write and it really wouldn't be a big deal to me if they paid at least a penny a word, but they don't. I think my efforts are worth a little more than 7/10 of a cent. I get paid more than that for a sponsored blog post and I don't even have a pagerank. Sitting down and doing research, however much it may be, and writing and editing a piece can be draining. It's especially draining if you do 3 or 4 of them a day. I can make two cents just for clicking an advertisement on Clixsense or InboxDollars. Why would I drop my standards for something that I'm actually going to put effort into?

On a slightly different note, I just joined Swagbucks the other day and yesterday I joined Moola. I think I like Moola so far. They start you out with a penny and you can play against other people to try to win their money. I'm at about $0.61. It's pretty fun and I like to gamble from time to time. It's definitely something that I'll probably do in my spare time. I get to win a little money, too.

On a completely different note, I am so happy that I have exactly one more week to go before I go back to school. I'm so ready! I also have no textbooks, but that's another story. The point is, that's the bright side.

Going back to my freelance writing dilemma, there are a bunch of places where I can try to bid on some projects, but I'm not totally confident in my skills. This is why I'm trying to build up my portfolio and resume. I may need to change the plan just a little with Textbroker. I'm not entirely sure that Textbroker is a site where I need to be. I'll try to put up a few articles a month with Associated Content to see how well they'll do. Pray for me.

Every Little Step I Take

2009-08-13T16:24:00.002-05:00

I was not too thrilled today. You know, it's not often that I get invited to a focus group that pays $25 for an hour of "focusing". Unfortunately, when I started the survey I began experiencing technical difficulties. So much for that $25. It's okay. I'm working out a possible schedule for myself to better manage my time. Let's see how good it looks written out.

Sunday - 2-3 articles for Textbroker, surveys, ptcs
Monday - 1 Hub, surveys, ptcs, school work
Tuesday - update Woman's Lot, surveys, ptcs, school work
Wednesday - update Real Life Business, Work-Online, surveys, ptcs
Thursday - Work-Online, school work, surveys, ptcs
Friday - Work-Online, surveys, ptcs, school work
Saturday - 2-3 articles for Textbroker, surveys, ptcs (update TP Random every other week)

If I do most of my school work as soon as I get out of class, which this semester will be early afternoon, I can still have time to spend with friends in the evenings and at night do surveys. I can do ptcs in the morning since I get up early and usually don't take more than a few minutes.

I'm also setting a few monthly goals. There's really no reason why I shouldn't be able to reach them.

$10/mo. - MTurk - at least $0.30 worth of tasks every day.
$30/mo. - Textbroker - most articles are worth $2-$3. If I do 4-6 every weekend, I should be able to reach that goal
20 GBP or approx $38/mo. - Work-Online - the site is based in the UK which is why they pay in Great British Pounds. There's a lot less brain work in writing for them and if I can pull at least 10 stories a week at 25p or $0.47 per story, then that goal is well within my reach
$10/mo. - Neobux - it helps a lot to have referrals but it is definitely possible
$10/mo. - Clixsense - the upgraded membership really helps
$25/mo. - Paid Surveys - Pinecone Research is great and so is Opinion Place. I can probably pull in at least $10 with Opinion Place alone. Of course I'm a member of at least 20 survey sites and different checks will come at different times but I want my monthly average to be at least $25.

So, rounding up to the nearest 5, I want to be able to bring in at least $125 from online earnings (surveys, ptcs, and a little bit of writing). Like I've said before, with all of the survey sites that I'm a member of I really shouldn't be struggling to get that much but I have poor time management skills. Wish me luck! I'll post my earnings stats at the end of the month.

Leave Me Alone

2009-08-12T12:03:00.003-05:00

Today is not the worst day ever. There have been days much worse than today. I just feel like whining today. If you've ever heard the song by Michael Jackson entitled "Leave Me Alone", then you know that he's singing about being frustrated with a lot of crap in his life and he just wants everything and everybody to just leave him be. I feel exactly the same way. I was going to come here yesterday and talk about how I tried to do some strength training yesterday but didn't make it through the entire workout because my muscles have gotten weak. Obviously I did not do that. After the workout yesterday evening there was a string of things that happened that spilled over into today. Last night I was very hungry, so I decided to go get something to eat. To my surprise, when I went to my car, I saw that my tire was flat...good and flat. I figured I would put some Fix-a-Flat in the tire in the morning then I would put some air in it until I could take it to get the hole patched. So, I went back into the house. I had to use the bathroom. What a surprise! My special monthly visitor decided to show up...a week early and with no warning. (Sorry to any male readers) When I was finished, I went to flush the toilet but the toilet wouldn't flush. The chain was broken. So, I had to reach into the back of the toilet and flush it that way. That sucked. This morning I tried to do something about my flat tire. Two cans of Fix-a-Flat and $0.75 of air later the tire was still flat due to what probably started as a slow leak but quickly turned into a major one. On top of all of that, every day that the credit card people decide to call me every 45 minutes I get just a little bit more frustrated. I just want to tell everything and everybody to just LEAVE ME ALONE! Just stop doggin' me around. Please. For the next few months I'm going to be working my tail off trying to get all of this debt off of my back. It's just time to get to work. I'm just unhappy right now.

Goin' Out of My Head

2009-08-06T20:36:00.003-05:00

The lovely lady in the picture above is Florence Ballard, also known as The Supreme that Got Done Wrong. One of the songs that she sang during her short-lived solo career was called Goin' Out of My Head. It is now one of my favorite songs. She sings about being in love and admiring a guy from afar and losing her mind all the while because she won't talk to him. After a while, she finally decides to go for it. It's got 1960s and 1970s soul written all over it and I love it. Unfortunately, I've been sort of going out of my head this entire summer. For one, I've spent too much time alone since I practically have no friends here in my "hometown" anymore. I guess I could go make some more but I really don't even like it here anymore. I'm also getting harrassing phone calls from the credit card people, that's always great. I still miss Joe (though I think I'm still having some sort of inner emotional conflict concerning him). On top of all of that, I can't seem to make myself do what I'm supposed to. The whole purpose of going into business for myself was so that I could work for myself and be a little less stressed. However, in order to do that you have to have some self-discipline. I can make myself get up and exercise every other day, but I have the toughest time making myself write. Why? At first it was writer's block, now I'm not so sure. I'm supposed to be living my life like it's worth it and I'm not. I'm not happy. It could be that since I've sort of turned writing into a job that it's no longer fun for me anymore. That could be it. Or maybe, it's because of the same reason that I'm on academic probation this semester, lack of structure. Either way, it's something that I need to work on if I'm going to pay off my debts at least by next century.

On the financial side, I got my first check from Clixsense in the amount of $8.14 after processing fees. That's awesome. I log on a click on whatever ads are available and once I reach minimum payout of $10, I get a check between the 1st and the 10th of the next month. It usually takes about ten minutes. It's easy money. I also got paid from Neobux on July 31. Instant payment via Paypal is always awesome. I also take surveys every week with Opinion Place and get paid within two weeks, usually around $3. So since I take them on a regular basis now, I get money almost every week. I think PineCone Research found me somehow but I usually get a survey about once a week. At first I was getting paid with check and it would come within a week. Now I get Paypal and the last payment I got the next day. MySurvey is always good. On the rare occasion that I get a survey from E-Poll it's good, too. I've started writing for another site and I kind of like it. I have certain keywords that I have to base the piece on and I like that. There's a lot less restriction that way.

Anyway, I can't go without showing you a picture of the view from the hotel I stayed in recently of one of the Great Lakes (not sure which one it is. It's the one closest to Cleveland, that's where I was. I should know the name of that lake.) I was in Cleveland for a family reunion a couple of weeks ago and I had a great time. I could only stay for two days but I'm definitely going back in the spring.

Sign Of the Times

2009-07-23T13:21:00.003-05:00

You know, I'll be glad when the day comes that I can finally buy little things like cocoa butter and shaving cream. Why? Because that means that I'll have a little more money to spare. I used to love to buy watches. I used to love wearing my watch. What happened to it? It died. It was cheap. But it did last a good couple of years. Come to think of it, I really did love that watch. Well, I don't have a watch anymore. I want one. I guess that I should keep a positive attitude and start looking for a watch that I just have to have. I don't think I want to settle for just another cute $7.00 watch again, either. A Rolex might be nice. Rolex watches are expensive. Way too expensive for me. But I did come across a site that sells watches, Rolex watches, for a more affordable price. www.BestofTime.com is a great looking website that deals authentic Rolex watches. They even offer layaway, which is a perfect option for me. I'm looking forward to the day that I go watch shopping again. A Rolex is a high expectation but there's no sense in having low expectations. Everybody has their luxuries. This will be my treat to myself and Best of Time makes that luxury seem within my reach.

Keep the Faith

2009-07-21T13:53:00.003-05:00

So, I've been trying to break into freelance writing. I'm getting my feet wet now. I have to build my portfolio in order to get better paying jobs. So, I'm starting out with Associated Content, Hubpages, and Textbroker. We'll see how that works out. I finally talk to the credit card people yesterday. It feels funny not having my phone ring all day. I like it. I'll be glad when I can finally pay it all off. I can get about $10-$20 per month at Opinion Place Surveys and about $3-$12 at Pinecone Research. I'm still with MySurvey, Global Test Market, Epoll, and a few others. I'm cutting out a few so that I don't get too overwhelmed with them all. I'm trying to make my life more manageable, and live it like it's worth it. It'll get better.

In the meantime, unless you have been living under a rock for the last few weeks, you know that Michael Jackson died. Well, I've been reliving some old childhood memories and I was listening to my Michael Jackson collection (I have almost all of his music). Something that I came to realize while watching his memorial on television was that he really had done all that he set out to do. At least concerning his career, he did. No, he doesn't get to physically be with his children ( Though he is with them spiritually, a totally different discussion). Yes, he was about to go on tour but, he sold more records than anyone can imagine, at one point he was rich, he built his own amusement park (even though he did have to sell it to the bank), he had a legion of fans, and he was able to help a lot of children. He really did a lot with his life. How many people can say that? I'll forever be a fan of Michael. I always have been. Unfortunately, it took his death for me to realize just how inspiring he was (well, is). From now on, I'm really living my life like it's golden. God willing, I'm going to do what I love and help other people in the process. I just won't have the media circus to deal with :-)

P.S. I'm not sure when this blog went from just a personal diary to a personal finance type blog.

Wanna Be Startin' Something

2009-07-13T17:49:00.003-05:00

So, I'm setting goals now. I'm trying to get back on the right financial track. I want material things. Some of them are kind of expensive. Like, for instance, a 32" flat panel HDTV. That's pretty close to $300. But what kind of fool would I be to buy a TV and not pay off all of my other debts. I have creditors calling me three or four times a day and it is very irritating. The plan? Well, first I need another $30 to keep the phone on. Then, I need at least $1200 to finish paying off the credit card. My car needs work, as usual, but at least this time it's mostly cosmetic. I had a couple of wrecks in it. Thank God my car was the only one involved and that I lived because death was definitely a threat that day. On the downside, it left a pretty ugly dent in the side. Actually, one on each side. I suppose a simple Google search could help me out a bit but I did come across a site to start off with. Collision Repair Experts is a pretty reliable site. When I was looking for someone to fix my car's mechanical problems, it was certainly a big help. You might want to check it out if you're having the same car issues I am. I'm looking forward to the day when I use that site again because that means I'll have the means to fix everything. You know how it is.

Hold On

2009-07-12T13:40:00.004-05:00

So, I am no longer begging. I am, however, still broke. But, like I said in the last post I have plenty of ways to make money and pretty soon I'll be able to start paying off debts. I am not at school where I should be. That's okay. I guess that just gives me a little bit more of that "alone time" that I've already had too much of. I guess I could exercise. I could also take up a little freelance writing. I've always been a little nervous about that since I don't always feel like my writing is up to par. Overall, it's pretty good but it could stand a little fine tuning. Just a warning, you will see a few more pay-per-post entries, but if I do a good enough job on them you won't be able to tell the difference anyway. I am also going to take the time to learn a little bit about time management and see if I can't make a little progress in both my finances and character traits. Wish me luck. Gray skies will clear up!

With a Little Help from my Friends

2009-07-06T20:58:00.004-05:00

I've updated Twitter, the traffic exchanges and now I'm updating this blog. You know I hate to ask for anything. It's that doggone pride. But I'm humbled tonight. I need money to go back to school. I've been working hard for the past two months trying to get some but I just don't have enough. I'm happy to announce that I've been paid by Neobux and Opinion Place surveys but it's not enough to cover the expense of taking one class and living on campus for one month. Wanna know how much it is? $1300. That's right. One thousand three hundred dollars. Now, I'm only asking for $850 but that's still quite a bit. Why would you pay that much for one class during the summer when regular fall and spring tuition is twice that but covers at least four classes? Well, it's really in my best interest. I'm still working on the store and the other blogs. I just haven't yet reaped the benefits of my hard work. So, as much as I hate asking (begging), I need help. Donations are most definitely welcome. Think of it as a "pay it forward" thing. I always like stuff like that. I try to be helpful, even when it's just little things like letting someone borrow my phone for a quick call or helping someone find something in the grocery store. You never know how much you're really helping someone by doing small favors such as that. I'd like to think that we all can be a little friendly to one another.

On a different note, as stated earlier, I have been working on the store and I now have quality, sellable items, so if you're in the shopping mood you should definitely have a look. As far as my work with the PTCs are concerned, I've dropped Bux.to, PerformanceBux, and PalmBux. I'm keeping Neobux, Clixsense, YouData, and possibly Wordlinx. I've been with InboxDollars for years, so I'm definitely not parting with them. I'm also continuing with the paid surveys that I've been doing for a few years now. Global Test Market, MySurvey, Epoll, Greenfield Online, and my new favorite, Opinion Place. I've just started working with Trek Pay and MyLot, so we'll see how that turns out. Also, I do traffic exchanges to gain a little free traffic to my websites and I can make a few bonuses with every set amount of pages that I surf. Then on top of all that, I do a little bit of affiliate marketing. So, between the store, PTCs, paid surveys, traffic exchanges, and affiliate marketing, I should have enough to cover my expenses within the next couple of months. It seems like I should have more money with all of those ventures. Well, to do them all you must have great organizational skills because it is a job and you are your own boss. So, this financial rut that I'm in now shouldn't last too much longer. I'll be able to pay off that credit card and reopen my checking account within a few months. In the meantime, I'm desperate and literally need cash now. I'd appreciate any amount very much.

Donations to Tara's College Fund

How's it Make You Feel

2009-06-10T20:33:00.002-05:00

Let me first warn you that this post is a little lengthy today. Having said that, I've had a lot heavy on my heart lately. For whatever reason, I haven't been here to type it all out. I guess that's what the next couple of posts will be about. Today, we'll talk about feelings. Sometimes...they really suck. I mean, really. Joe and I have really been through some hoops and I haven't had any contact with him for about a month now (Though I will admit that I miss him terribly). First, it was because his phone was messed up. Then, just as he got a new phone, my phone was shut off because I didn't pay the bill. Now, everything is right with the phones but I doubt he has my number since it was in his old, useless phone. My issue today: A couple of weeks ago I realized something about one of my best friends that really shook me. I realized that there was something about here that I didn't like. I've known this for a while but I haven't been able to pinpoint exactly what that was until recently. What is it? She has it in her to be a home wrecker. I get this horrible vibe whenever she comes around Joe, and even though we are not established or unestablished as a couple (we're supposed to be friends) I feel the same way about her that I would feel about any other female that I consider to be a threat. She always asks why do guys think that she's easy and I've told her that if she didn't show her goodies all the time they might not think that. Even Joe told her that. Joe isn't typically the type that she goes for but I sense trouble. My senses can be wrong sometimes but this particular sense is soooo overwhelming. I hope I'm wrong. I really, really do. I'll have to explain a few scenarios to you later on this week. Surely, I have a legitimate reason for feeling the way that I do.

On to other things, I said that I miss Joe. I have a lot of pride. I won't call him. I won't text him. I'll see him when I see him. Why am I behaving this way? Because...he asked me why don't I ever call or text him. Firstly, I rarely call or text anyone...that's just the Tara way. However, I told him that I never call or text him because he never calls or text(s?) me. On the rare occasion that I do text him he doesn't text me back. Why waste my precious text messages on him? I do miss him something terrible, though. I kind of wish I didn't. I miss my friends, too...just not as much as I miss him. Darn. Will he text me? More than likely not. Why? Because he's just an idiot. How many times have I seen him and he's all chipper and I want to say to him "Screw YOU!!!"? He misses me so much that he asks my friends about me but he won't call. He won't text. Why should I always be the initiator? That's usually how it is, though. He misses me but he won't tell me that...or at least not without my asking. Oh, woe is me. Sometimes I really dislike him...sometimes I really, really dislike him...sometimes I really, really, really dislike him...sometimes I can't bear to look at him...but whenever he needs something and I know about it, I'm usually the first to try to get it for him. Love sucks.

Alright

2009-06-02T12:57:00.002-05:00

I'll be getting money very soon. Hopefully, it will be a substantial amount. Either way, I'll be glad to be getting any at all. My bank account is still in overdraft, my phone has been cut off, and I'll be charged another late fee on my credit card but that's alright. I had to learn how to not stress over money. Why would you stress over money? If you don't have it...then you don't have it. There's no sense in stressing over it. I had to learn that and now I'm a much happier person, after all, I am trying to live life like it's worth it. So, since I have nothing else to do, I've been doing my surveys on a more regular basis, I've joined a few paid to click sites, and I'm going to start working on my store again. I've also been trying to get a little exercise, too, since I do need to lose a few pounds so that I can wear those shorts that I haven't worn in years. I've managed to keep myself occupied.

I guess I can share with you some of the paid to click programs that I've joined and which ones I plan on dropping in the near future.

Palmbux - Cash out is $2.00 but each advertisement is worth less than a penny but you get several of them a day. It's easy, but I don't like working for less than a penny. After I cashout I'm going to quit this site.

Performancebux - Same as Palmbux. Cashout is $2.00 but once again, I'm working for less than a penny.

Bux.to - Cash out is $50 and each ad is worth one penny. You get well over 20 a day and if you have referrals you make even more. Really, that's the key to making money with any of these paid to click programs, referrals. I'm not sure if I'll stay with them after I cash out but I'll think about it.

I make a few dollars from surveys every day and I also do a few other things that bring in a little extra change. I have more time to devote to it so I'll probably bring in a nice couple hundred by the end of the month. Now, if only I can figure out a way to keep this up after I go back to school.

You Never Really Know

2009-05-21T12:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I got to thinking. Surely, we've all asked ourselves one of those age-old unanswered questions of life, like "What is my purpose?" or "Why am I here?". I look at certain circumstances in my life and I wonder why certain things happened the way that they did. For instance, after a couple of incidents where Joe and I almost got a little too carried away with each other (if you know what I mean) we had decided to go for it and when the opportunity finally came, he told me he didn't want to get extra cozy. He still cares about me. Actually, that's why he did it. I can think of a couple of different guys that wouldn't have turned me down but he did. When things started to heat up a little between us I prayed about it. I prayed about it, I expressed to the Lord that I knew it wasn't right because of the way things were, it just wasn't the time for that, and I was going to do it anyway. Up until now I've been strong and I've resisted temptation...not that I've really been tempted by any particular guy. I've been more tempted to do it than I have been more concerned with doing it with a certain someone. Right away, I knew why he turned me down but I didn't ask him to confirm it. Instead, I tried to pretend like it didn't happen and proceed to move on in life. I couldn't. Since I had "let it go" there was more opportunity for negativity and off the wall explanations to get in my head. Then I found myself getting angry every time I saw him but I never told him that I was angry. Finally, after I finally let him know what was going on my head, we were both upset because I went out of my way to upset him and now we're back on speaking terms. I haven't spoken to him in a week and I miss him. Yeah, I admit it...I miss him. But I see that situation as a case of divine intervention. I believe that the Lord has something bigger in store for us and if we proceed to give in to temptation, it'll ruin everything (well, maybe not ruin, but at least complicate). I think we both did a little bit of growing because of that and that's a good thing. Trying not to come across like some lovesick puppy, I can see us together in the future. We both just need to mature a little as individuals before we can mature together as a couple. There's a reason why we've been reunited as adults, we just don't know why yet. That's life, I think.

Livin' On a Prayer

2009-05-16T11:16:00.005-05:00

I am definitely livin' on a prayer right now. I need some money. I actually want to go to summer school. But, I'm keeping the faith. I've been working my tail off and I feel like I'm about to reap the benefits of my hard work. I've got the store back up. Not that you knew that it was ever down in the first place. But I have it back up now. I'm getting a little organized now. I'm in the process of building another blog. This one, I hope, will help other struggle college students succeed. Although I do intend to make a little extra cash with it, my main reason for starting the blog is a decent one. I've found some other blogs about finance and I'm going to take a step back and reevaluate my extremely poor financial situation. The goal is to be at least halfway out of debt by the time my birthday comes along in November. Let's see...might as well share the numbers.
approx. $1500 - one credit card
approx $300 - dropshipper
approx $300 - online service
approx $180 - checking account overdraft fees
$60-$70 - monthly cell phone bill
$2300-$2400 - total debt

That's a lot for someone that has no means of income. I think I can handle it, though. I mean, I usually get 5-10 surveys in my inbox a day. If I did just 2-3 a day that's an extra $50-$150 a month. That's just with me putting half-hearted effort into it. Why haven't I been doing that? Beats me. I worry about myself sometimes. I have the potential. I just don't always live up to it. If I had been living up to my potential, I wouldn't be worried about summer school, or be $1500 in credit card debt. I probably would still have a balance but I would also still have the credit card and good credit. So, I messed up. I gotta take responsibility and do what's necessary.

In the meantime, I'm just getting it off the ground but it's never to early to start promoting.
www.womanslot.blogspot.com

Alright

2009-05-13T17:10:00.002-05:00

I think I may officially be a blog junkie. I started another blog. Let's hope I can get some readers to that one. I need some extra money. Some quick money. I need to go to summer school. I have one C. That one C is keeping me from my scholarship. All of my other grades are A's and B's. It's times like this when I think that life isn't as Golden as I like to think that it is. At times like this I have to remember that it ain't over 'til it's over. It's not impossible to make $2500 between now and the end of the month. It's improbable, but not impossible. Keep that in mind.

Call Me Irresponsible

2009-05-08T10:07:00.003-05:00

That's just what I've been lately. Irresponsible. For about three weeks I decided that I wasn't going to do any work and, boy, am I paying for it now. I'm on the brink of saying "Bye-Bye" to my scholarship and that's not good. You're not supposed to lose your scholarship but that's what's happening at this very moment. Yeah, I did go a period doing little to no work but for the last month I have not made less than a B on any exam and I have turned in every assignment but that wasn't good enough. This is one of those things that reminds you of how much effort you have to put into making something work but how little effort it takes to totally ruin it. So, now I'm trying to scrape up a little cash so that I can take summer classes to raise my GPA. But, looking at the bright side, Joe will be at school this summer, so I'll probably be seeing him a lot sooner than what I anticipated.

Everything is Everything

2009-04-13T11:10:00.003-05:00

So, it's been a while. What's been happening? An emotional rollercoaster. My patience has been tried. I've had to let go of some of my pride. I've been angry for the sake of being angry and then I finally came to the conclusion that my anger would get me nowhere. Now I'm happy again. What about Joe? Well, we've been going through some things but I think it's gonna work out fine. Right now, my focus is money. I need some. I gotta get to work. More details in future posts.

Whatever Lola (Tara) Wants

2009-01-20T22:14:00.004-06:00

Imagine...what if...think...

If I had the attitude, the swag of characters like Carmen Jones, Catwoman, or pretty much any Susan Sarandon character (White Palace comes to mind) and I just did something because I wanted to. No regrets...never complain, never explain. How would it feel to be bold, to be courageous, to do whatever the **** I pleased and not look back. To understand the consequences and still exercise the right to say "I'm grown, I want this, I'll have this". I mean, I have my moments. There are some times when I have all the estrogen in the world and nobody can tell me anything. Then, there are some times when I can be such a wuss. I guess I can try to tell myself that since I am a female that there are times when I can be a bit wimpy and get away with it...you know, that whole damsel in distress thing. But I had gotten to a point where I would pride myself on not being able to be intimidated and now...well, let's just say that here recently I've been intimidated. I can't let that go on for too much longer. After all, I'm bold...I'm strong...I'm big.

Scream

2009-01-17T10:32:00.004-06:00

Sometimes you just want to scream.

Sometimes you just want to scream at stupid people.

Sometimes you just want to scream at the person that you sold your textbook to on Saturday and then on Monday she tells you that she dropped the class and would like a refund for the book.

Sometimes you just want to scream at the person that you sold your textbook to on Saturday and then on Monday she tells you that she dropped the class and would like a refund for the book but thinks that she's getting the short end of the stick because she paid a total of $28.99 for both the book and the shipping but she's not getting the $3.99 shipping back because she waited too long to let you know that she no longer needed the book and really it's you that's getting the short end of the stick since Amazon took its commission from the total, including the shipping, so instead of getting $28.99 you get $22.90, and you offer to pay her back the $25 she paid for the book so you're actually going into your own pocket to pay the extra $2.10 when you really can't afford to since you have textbooks of your own to buy.

Sometimes...you just want to scream.

Disappear (No More Clutter)

2009-01-06T13:42:00.003-06:00

So it's about that time again...it's time to take out the trash. Do you know how long it's been since I've done some real cleaning? I mean really. I figured it was probably best for me to go ahead and start trying to clean out my room at my Mom's house (I don't really consider Mom's house my home anymore). One thing that I've come to love are space savers...everything from slimline hangers to space bags. It really is amazing the difference they can make. I love what the slimline hangers have done for my closet. Since I do live on campus I have limited space but since I started using slimline hangers I've actually been able to put more clothes into my almost nonexistant closet. How about that? And space bags, while I won't say they make the world go round, they are definitely beneficial. Unlike my roommate, I like to make the most of what little space I'm given. Now, I just have to get back to using those things. But I tell you one thing, I'll never go back to just plain old hangers. I've fallen in love with the slimline hangers...I wouldn't trade them for the world.

My Body

2009-01-05T00:04:00.004-06:00

To start my first post of the year off on a good note, I just wanted to share with you my progress by showing off my weight chart. As of Christmas I have lost 22.5 lbs. Mind you, it hasn't been on purpose but it needed to happen. So now I'm 223 lbs as opposed to the 245 (and was just as sexy at either weight). Actually, I have one of those builds where you can't really tell my weight by just looking at me. Most people would guess I'm a good 175. But I digress. Even though I haven't been necessarily been trying to lose any weight it's a good thing because it needed to happen. I was getting to be in pretty bad shape. Now, I'm actually trying to make a concious effort to eat a little bit healthier and get a little bit more exercise. So, I'm not making any resolutions concerning my weight. I'm trying to make some lifelong changes. Can you dig it?

P.S. If you've read previous posts then you'll see that there are a few ads for this product called iTrain...well, I decided to actually look into it and it is so awesome. I'm definitely liking this resource!

Monday, Monday

2008-12-29T22:52:00.002-06:00

What has he done to me? I don't know. Am I a fool in love? Maybe...but I'm at my breaking point now. I thought at first that after a couple of weeks I'd get over it but it's been months now and I feel like I'm being overwhelmed with emotions and hormones. I'm not entirely sure that's a good combination. Or maybe it'll be the beginning of something beautiful...who knows? But I miss him. I miss him so much and it's going to be two more weeks before I can see him again. One thing I've noticed though...we always seem to have to most interesting conversations on Mondays. Maybe that's our special day...Monday.

Will You Love Me Tomorrow

2008-12-21T19:17:00.004-06:00

Well, it's Christmas break, and I won't be seeing him for three weeks...twenty-one days. It's only day three of vacation and I'm already experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Now, don't be confused...we're not a couple. But I think we're both finally beginning to acknowledge that there's something there. Maybe not out loud...but at least to ourselves. But I have a bit of a dilemma. For the sake of simplicity I'll name my childhood friend Joe. Joe just broke up with his girlfriend over Thanksgiving. I've been sort of talking to someone else...we'll call him Tim. I don't really like Tim in a romantic way though I thought I could when I first got his phone number. After a pretty heated night with Joe I know that I don't want Tim. But Tim is so perfect...and I just don't want him. I can't explain it. Apparently, I'm just a fool...I'm know I'm in love. (What you say?) I want Joe. I want to not want him but I can't. How do I get over that? I'm thinking that three weeks away from both of them is just what I need right now. I've been so stressed lately that it's ridiculous. My grades aren't what they should be and neither are my finances (but when are they ever). I've been trying to reevaluate myself and how I've been dealing with the situation. I'm working on it for sure. You know, there's the saying "Out of sight, out of mind"

and I'm hoping that won't be the case with Joe (not so much with Tim). But he loves me. It came to me in a dream. You know those crazy dreams I have. But I do believe that he will still love me when we get back to school. I feel like I should be able to rest assured that everything will be okay. I'm just the paranoid type. I'm frustrated and I want fast results but the Lord may be making me wait for a reason. I'm just frustrated that thing's aren't happening in Tara's time.

He Loves Me

2008-12-13T10:32:00.002-06:00

Yes, it's true...he loves me.

That's all I have to say for today.

You Got What You Wanted

2008-11-16T10:07:00.003-06:00

...And now you don't want what you got. That's kind of but not exactly the case with my personal life right now. If you've been following along with previous posts then you'd know that my heart belongs to a childhood friend that, up until a few months ago, I hadn't seen since we were kids. Well, I decided that it was time for me to move on and in order for me to do that I had to find another man to hold my focus. So, I found one. I really only wanted to flirt with him just for the sake of flirting. Now, that I see him more often I realize that I don't want him. I mean...I knew that from the start that I didn't really want him, I just wanted to flirt and I did what I set out to do. I got to see myself again because I felt like I had lost myself. I had let my emotions get the better of me and I started to lost control. I still want my childhood buddy, I never did stop wanting him...now I feel like I have some control over the situation because beforehand I was just some lovesick puppy. Now, I'm Tara again. You know?

Collision Repair Experts

2008-11-13T15:26:00.007-06:00

So, it's been a while since I've been able to post but I've been doing some major work, here lately. For one, I've been trying to get everything together for the holiday season. That right there has been work enough. Another thing has been the car.

I've been in a couple of accidents and I have a few not-so-nice looking dents on both sides of my car. But I do believe I have found the answer...Collision Repair Experts . It's a network of highly rated autobody shops and I desperately need one. I looked through the site and found a couple that seemed really good, so I'll be giving them a call. Probably the best thing about this site is that it's free to use and that's always a plus considering my current financial status (Let's not beat around the bush...I'm broke). Auto repair is definitely on my list of priorities. Anyway, that's my thought for today.

U Got the Look

2008-10-28T15:12:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I don't have the look. The only thing I have so far is a different variation of the last template I had but that's okay. I'm working on it. Right now I'm trying to get it together for the Christmas holidays. Sales will be booming and I have every intention of reaping the benefits. I'm still looking for a new face. Right now I have a temporary one but pretty soon I'm going to have a whole new one. Then I'll really have the look!

I Am Changing

2008-10-22T20:17:00.004-05:00

Never fear, change is here! This blog will be undergoing a few cosmetic changes in the near future. I'm in the process of finding a new template, so...I'll have a new look. It's time for a change...Change is good.

Good Hearted Woman

2008-10-21T15:23:00.006-05:00

Now, I've been meaning to do this for a while and now I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to say a few words about my favorite author, Wendy Wasserstein. I think the first play by her that I became familiar with is American Daughter and I think that out of all of her work, that one is my favorite. She had a way of making her characters relatable. I probably like her so much because most of her characters were female but they had real-life issues and she had a way of addressing them with a good combination of humor and seriousness. Unfortunately, Wendy died of cancer in January 2006 and this was around the time I really began to learn about her. I encourage you to find one of plays or books and read. It's definitely worth it.

In the meantime, I'll be updating my poetry site for the first time in ages so feel free to check it out!

www.poetrypoem.com/poetic1033

One of Them Days

2008-10-20T16:51:00.001-05:00

Today is just one of those days where I really don't feel my best. The weather is changing...and so are my sinuses. My throat's been a little sore and my nose has been stopped up. I've been trying not to feel sorry for myself but it hasn't really been working. But don't worry, it's nowhere near as bad as I make it out to be.

You Can't Turn Me Off, Part II

2008-10-17T11:14:00.006-05:00

So, I've come to another decision. About my could be betrothed. I know I went through this already but I'm declaring it again. I want him...but I'm not going to chase him. Especially if he's not going to be running with me. I know he wants me but if he's thinking the way that I think he is, he's not even walking. So, why should I go out of my way to pursue this? Besides, I get the feeling that eventually he'll come to me. Something that's been happening these past couple of months is my intution and things kicking into gear. I've been having dreams that have come true, I've been able to sense things happening between us before they happened. It's been pretty strange. So, while I can't just make myself become unattracted to him, I can move on with my life. Eventually, whether its him or someone else, there'll be a man in my life. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy High Inergy.

Favor

2008-10-14T19:18:00.003-05:00

So, here I am...once again, it's been a while since the last time I've posted but be happy for me because I'm finally making some progress. I'm in debt but that's all about to change since the holidays are coming up. And, I'm getting a check...that's right, I'm getting a check, not writing one to the credit card people. I'm so thankful for that. I just have to say, the Lord has really blessed me. I've been praying for some financial favor and He's giving some relief now. All I have to say is Praise Him. He deserves it. There's so much more I could talk about now, but I think I'll keep this one short today. I should be back in the near future.

What'll I Do

2008-10-04T09:27:00.003-05:00

Forgive me since it's been a while since the last time I posted. Things have just been a little complicated lately. The status of my friendship between me and my buddy from elementary school has changed, to say the least and at this very moment my bank account is in overdraft and my credit card is beyond maxed out. Needless to say I'm having a little bit of a dilemma here. I really ought to consider starting a prostitution ring in Vegas. I hear there's good money in that.

Now, to further elaborate on the buddy from elementary school. He put the moves on me...and I let him...and I enjoyed it...until I came to my senses. Then I had to leave. And I haven't been right since. He was already acting funny with me before he did that, now it's even worse. Sometimes I think maybe he's going through a little bout of PMS. Hey, I totally understand. But whatever I may have felt for him before, has been amplified at least ten times since that fateful night. What do I do?

God Is Trying To Tell You Something

2008-09-20T17:44:00.003-05:00

For the last few days I've had these really vivid dreams and they've kind of been a pain. Both literally and figuratively. Why? Because they've been about Mr. Lover-Man. And in all of these dreams he's had his arms around me and I can feel his arms around me, I can feel him breathing, I feel emotions and when I wake up I'm so disappointed and confused. I pray to the Lord, asking Him to speak to me. I ask Him what I should do and then I have these dreams. I'm really feeling like I don't need these feelings in my life at this point. I really do wish that they would go away. But right now what I'm trying to figure out is why Mr. Lover-Man won't answer my texts. I'm starting to think he's ignoring me, although I don't believe I've given him a reason to.

There are plenty of thoughts running through my head right now and I'm trying to convince myself that none of them are true but I'm also trying to take into consideration that God is trying to tell me something. But it's funny. Whenever God is trying to tell you something, you know it. And you know what? I think He is trying to tell me something. So for the rest of this weekend, while all of my friends are gone, I'll take this time to keep to myself and not fret on what is and what I want. Because I may not really want what I think I want. This is the time for me to reflect and probably make a few decisions. I guess.

What Is and What Should Never Be

2008-09-18T23:44:00.002-05:00

Please forgive me for my lack of posting these last couple of weeks. It's just that I've been a little preoccupied with school and old crushes is all. Right now I'm just kind of feeling a little confused and frustrated about that old crush. I already decided that I wasn't going to try and do anything about the way that I'm feeling except for get over it and I'm trying but at this particular moment what I'm trying to do is figure out why I like him exactly. And you know what? I really don't know. It could all be hormones. It could be a feeling that God has put on my heart. Or I could just be temporarily insane. Whatever the case, I would feel much better if I didn't have this feeling at all. There's so much less stress involved. I can't go about pining over him, especially since he has a girlfriend and I'm not entirely sure that they'll break up any time soon. I'm not trying to encourage their breakup either. He may have never even looked at me the way that I'm looking at him and one of my biggest fears is seeing a guy that I like and being rejected by him. So, I'll pray about it. And more than likely, I'll get over it. And that'll be it.

Jesus Take the Wheel

2008-09-01T17:36:00.002-05:00

This weekend was spent at home with my friend. And after telling her all about my buddy from elementary school and making myself look like some lovesick puppy I feel better about the whole situation. When I told my roommate about how I felt about my longlost buddy she asked me what I was going to do about it. I said then that I would do nothing about it and now that I've had a few days to think about that decision I am going to stick with it. I'm at the point in my life where every time I pray I ask the God will let me have whatever He wants me to have because if I had everything I wanted...well, lets not get into that. The point is, I'm not going to go chasing after him, especially since he has a girlfriend. So, if it is in God's will, then it'll be so. Other than that everything else is great. I'm throwing away all of my tattered and old clothes because I figured it's time for a change. New beginnings. This week, I'm a new me.

Just Good Friends

2008-08-26T22:50:00.003-05:00

Now, I had it all planned out. I was going to make this post all about my inspiration for writing and what these last few days have been like since I moved on campus (that's the reason why I haven't posted for a few days). But now I won't talk about that. I'll save that for a later date...I mean I had a picture and everything. I really wanted to post it today but I can't. Why? Because at this particular moment I almost feel dirty. I got a little surprise when I found out that someone I haven't seen since the fifth grade was now going to be my classmate. Imagine that. I just left his dorm and as I said earlier I almost feel dirty. He gave me about three hugs as I left and each time his hands slid lower and lower and lower down my back and I almost felt violated. Why almost? Well, because, even though I wouldn't admit this to him I had a little crush on him back in the third grade, and when he told me that he would be going to school with me I got kind of excited. Just out of nowhere. I don't know why. I wasn't really over the sexy-man at my job. Even though that never went anywhere. I just admired him from afar. But every now and then he would mention how much I had grown since the fifth grade and had his focus on two of my proudest assets (I'll leave that to your imagination). I went over to his dorm in the first place because I was bored out of my mind and was ready to pull my hair out sitting in my dorm, so I figured I needed a change of scenery. I just thought I'd go sit in someone else's dorm for a while and then I'd go back to mine. Well...well. That's all I can really say. That's really about it.

P.S. Did I mention he has a private room? As I walked out his room into the lobby I got all these catcalls and sneaky looks from the people in the lobby like I had been doing something unholy which that was not the case. But I just thought I'd mention that.

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

2008-08-17T20:18:00.004-05:00

Even though I said I wouldn't be vindictive and trash Midas Auto Service, I think I might. Yes, my car was a piece of junk before I took it to Midas for a tune up but at least it was running and relatively smoothly. Now, it's not even running. When I asked them to fix my car after I had trouble with it after the tune up they apparently didn't fix everything or they broke something else, because it died on me two days later. Now, it's not even running. The car has been giving me trouble ever since I got it and I had every intention of trading it in within the next few months. But it was running at least. Now, I've had other people look at my car and tell me that Midas more than likely charged me for a part that I didn't even need! How about that! That's the last time I go to any mass chain autoshop. Before you go and say that it may not even be Midas's fault, I know that it may not be their fault. It may just be completely concidental. But when my car died after the tune up that they perfomed on my car and I took it back to them for them to fix, I expected them to fix everything. EVERYTHING. I asked them to fix my car. Now, I've read a few good reviews online that people have written about Midas, but I've come across more bad than good, and that may be because people are more likely to speak up if they've had a bad exeperience. But that is the last time Midas will be getting any more of my money that's for sure. Oh! And I forgot to mention that they left a tool in my car. Yes! They left a wrench under the hood of my car. They're careless enough to leave a tool under the hood of my car but they're not careless enough to NOT fix my car and charge me for a bunch of crap! Fortunately I have good enough credit to get another car but at this particular time in my life my vehicle should not be my main concern. I'm moving in six days. I should be focused on that. But NO!!! I'm thinking about my car. Which, like I said, was running before I took it to Midas, but is not running anymore. Thanks, Midas!

Bruised But Not Broken

2008-08-15T22:05:00.003-05:00

I don't know how I manage to do it but I do. During the daytime it's because of my five month old niece. But at nighttime there's really no excuse. How do I always manage to spend the majority of the day on the computer? I'm trying to come up with some reason for that. I dedicate a lot of effort to my store but I don't always get things done in a timely fashion because I have to help with my niece during the day time, so I end up spending a big part of the night doing what should have been done earlier in the day. And then sometimes I'm so caught up in what I'm doing I get carried away. But today I have to talk about my vehicle. I really, really dislike it. It's funny because out of all the mishaps that I've had with that car. It's broken down on me on numerous occasions, I've had three wrecks in that car but I've never been scared to drive it until these last couple of weeks. The car is with the mechanic now and I almost don't want it back. I wasn't happy about the fact that I had to quit my job earlier than I intended to. I disliked the job anyway but I had already made plans to stay until next week. It's a real blow to my ego. And...to add insult to injury...I couldn't even pick up my check because my car is out of commission. That just ain't right! I always pick up my check, I never, ever miss picking up my check but I missed it this week. Do you know how upsetting that was? Well, I can't cry too much because it could always be worse. I could be homeless. I could be sick. I could have horrible credit. But I don't have any of those things (Thank God). So, I just have to focus on that. Until I get a new vehicle.

Dream On

2008-08-13T19:11:00.007-05:00

Aren't the Olympics great? I mean, really. I always look forward to seeing the games. This is the only time I'll actually devote my attention to sports like soccer, tennis, water polo, etc. I'm usually more interested in swimming (Ian Thorpe in particular, such a shame he retired) and track and field. It's funny, even though I have some athletic ability, it totally goes to waste because I'm almost always doing something unathletic, like watching athletics and not participating. It's fun to watch baseball, football, swimming, volleyball, Ninja Warrior, and even wrestling, but sometimes it's not so fun wishing that I could do those things. So, what's going to happen is, I am going to start getting up in the morning and walking on the treadmill and eventually work my way up to jog. I'll maybe even do some push ups. We'll have to see about that last one.

But I was just sitting here thinking about what to write and I kept thinking about the Olympics, Ian Thorpe and Michael Phelps in particular. I made a joke about marrying Michael Phelps and that got me to thinking about what a huge crush I had on Ian Thorpe, which I still kind of have. It was during the 2004 Olympics, and I had everything planned out in my mind about how I would meet and marry Ian Thorpe. Now, mind you I was fifteen at that time and even though I knew it would more than likely not happen I still wanted to dream. If I had had my way, I would be in Beijing right now sitting next to Ian Thorpe probably carrying his child and after the games were over we'd be going back to our home in some city by the sea in Australia. A girl can dream, can't she?

While I will continue to dream, I will also pray and work to make those dreams come true. Who knows? Maybe I will marry Ian Thorpe someday. Okay, okay, maybe not, but still, I can dream!

LifeLock is the only Identity Theft Prevention Solution backed by a one-million dollar guarantee!Click here to get a 10% discount.

eHarlequin.com

Jaded

2008-08-12T16:50:00.004-05:00

It's official. I am jaded. By what or by whom, you ask? By everything. By my vehicle, by men, by work, by money, by everything. I'm just ready to throw in the towel and say "I'm finished. Screw you!". But of course I can't say that because it's not polite. So, in the words of Aerosmith, I got to take myself a permanent vacation. Though I can't because I'll be moving and going back to school next week. Back to school...college, that is. I'm not worried about that at all. My car is unreliable, it's always been a little unstable but now it's just plain ole' unreliable and a royal pain in the eye. Especially since I took it to Midas Auto Shop. (By the way, I'm not being as vindictive as I initally planned.) I'm broke and I had to quit my job almost two weeks earlier than I intended to. I'm not a happy camper. But I have to remember to ignore adversity. It can be a little difficult sometimes but I have to remember that and the fact that there's someone out there who's in a worse situation than I am. I just gotta keep on moving and make jokes about the situation, otherwise I'll stop and cry.

Physical

2008-08-10T13:02:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm down 3.5 lbs. and I still have 6.5 lbs to go before I hit my goal of 10lbs for the last two weeks of summer. Basically what I'm trying to do is develop a half-way decent habit of eating better and getting some type of exercise every other day. What I have been doing the last few days is drinking green tea. It's always worked for me. I drink the tea and I lose weight. I don't change any of my eating habits and I still lose the weight and it's not unnatural. Green tea has a lot of antioxidants and good qualities that help your body. You should look it up. It's only when I stop drinking it and continue with my horrible eating habits that I gain back the weight I lost and some. I figured that if I drink the tea on a regular basis not only for the weight loss benefits but also for the overall health benefits, I eat just a little bit better, and I start walking for 20-30 minutes 3 or 4 times a week I should get pretty clost to my goal for the next 16 weeks of 45 lbs. As you can see with the graph that I have so graciously provided, it's been a little bit of a rollercoaster that goes down from time to time but it's steadily going up. The goal is to get it to go down and stay down. Hopefully around 160 lbs. Right now if I got down to 220 I'd feel skinny. But as I type I'm having a pain in my arm and I'm trying not to be paranoid in thinking that it may be trying to tell me that I'm on the verge of a stroke and it's coming soon if I don't do something. So now, I'm finally at a point where I actually care enough to do something. So who's with me?

My Weight Chart:

P.S. Watching the Olympics brings back memories of the 2004 Olympics and the Australian swimmer that I had a huge crush on. Ian Thorpe, to me, was the best thing since sliced bread. I've since grown up a little but he's still a doll.

She Works Hard For the Money

2008-08-09T15:01:00.003-05:00

Well, to start off on a pretty depressing note, I was sad to learn this morning of the passing of Bernie Mac. I was a fan of his and I was hurt when I saw the article on MSN about his death. My sympathy goes out to his family.

Now, to get off to a brighter note, weren't the opening ceremonies for the Olympics awesome? I was amazed by everything. It was all so well thought out and there was so much attention to detail. Cudos to Beijing. Excellent job on such a wonderful presentation. I also enjoy the opening ceremonies for the Olympics but the people of Beijing really outdid themselves.

Now, on to something else. If you've read my profile then you know that I'm always looking for a way to make money. Well, since last weekend I was out of town and my whole work schedule for tprandom.com and my work schedule for my regular job were totally thrown off, I decided I'd take the entire week off from tprandom.com and I was kind of forced to take time off from my regular job due to car trouble (which I really didn't mind. it gave me the opportunity to watch the opening ceremonies last night and i'm quitting in two weeks anyway because i'm moving). So, this week I've done almost nothing productive regarding my work but while I was surfing around on the internet I found some interesting things. This may not be news to you but it is somewhat to me. Basically, the best way to make money on the internet is to present opportunities to others to make money on the internet. I opened tprandom.com in hopes of making a little extra income which at this point I haven't. Eventually someone will come along and buy but right now the economy sucks and no one is really interested in buying anything. People want to make money, not spend it. So, with all of the traffic exchange sites that I have memberships with there is this thing called a downline. A downline is the referrals you make and the referrals they make and so on. And for every referral you make you earn a certain percentage of their earnings (which vary depending on the website). So, it's almost like a pyramid scheme except it's legal. You make money off of people trying to make money. It's actually quite ironic. But it's an interesting concept that more than likely works. Now, I wouldn't know for sure because like I said earlier, this is all news to me. I've only known about this stuff since June. But it started out with a free web store that I started for my mother. The site had a link to LinkReferral as a way to boost traffic to the site. So I bought a site of my own and opened a store and I joined LinkReferral, which did boost traffic to my site. So I decided to search for more sites like it and I ended up with so much info about affiliate marketing and MLM that I didn't really begin comprehending until 2 am this morning. How strange? Anyway, I thought I'd just share that with you.

Solitude

2008-08-08T00:16:00.004-05:00

Where have all the great singers gone? The Billie Holiday's? The Frank Sinatra's? Where? I guess there's only one of each of these singers and they can never be duplicated. But I just thought I'd ask that question as a half hearted attempt at making an icebreaker...even though you probably wouldn't need one by now if you've read the previous posts. Anyway, I was just thinking about something that is near and dear to me, self-image. Now, I'm nowhere near vain. If anything these last couple of years I've spent trying to build up my confidence. Little things here and there arouse some sort of epiphany where I realize that some little imperfection of mine is what makes me who I am and it is at that moment when I decide that I can live with that imperfection. But out of nowhere I think of the song Solitude by Billie Holiday, and I think about how much time I spend alone. And I do spend a lot of time alone. But I realized that maybe there's a reason for that. That maybe my solitude is not so much me being antisocial as it is my self, me, going through some sort of blossoming phase. That maybe I am single now not because I'm too picky (I can't date just anyone, I have to have some standards) but it is because I'm learning how to be okay with just me. I feel like I have to learn to be alone and be okay with that before I can be with someone else. But then, I also realized that I'm alone quite a bit because I choose to be. I go to work and I come home because by nature I'm a homebody. And sometimes it's nice to be away from everyone and everything and to sit in bed and watch a good movie or read a good book and daydream about the male lead. I just felt the need to write this because...well...just because. I had other things that I wanted to write about that required me to be a bit vindictive but then I realized that I can't be that way. It would be a little too wrong. So, the lesson here, learn to be alone especially since all of us who are alone are really together in being alone.

P.S. I recently bought the movie P.S. I Love You with Gerard Butler and Hilary Swank. I bought it because it has Gerard Butler but was pleasantly surprised to see Harry Connick, Jr also had a role. I just want to put it out there that both Gerard Butler and Harry Connick, Jr. are incredibly sexy. That's all!

Heavy, Heavy

2008-08-05T12:15:00.004-05:00

Okay, so yesterday I officially announced that I was going to lose 10lbs. Well, I haven't changed my mind, I just need to figure out exactly what I am going to do in order to lose those 10lbs. Maybe I'll start an exercise program like Tae Bo or Turbo Jam. Or maybe I'll just change my eating habits. Or maybe I'll just do both. Makes sense doesn't it? Maybe I'll just do the obvious. Work out and eat right. I also have something else I need to accomplish. Reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Now, around this time last year I was supposed to have read The Fountainhead but it bored me to tears and so I only read about 1/8 of the book. This time I'm actually going to put some effort into reading the whole book. Wish me luck!

Don't Let The Devil Ride

2008-08-04T18:00:00.004-05:00

'Cause if you let him ride, he'll take your car and drive. I was thinking about that song yesterday while I was stranded in Nowhere, Arkansas on the side of the road because my car had quit on me. But in order for me to not get depressed about it I had to remember not to feed into negativity and usually for me that means singing. I'm not a good singer by any means but I do like to sing, however horrible I may sound. And that song just popped into my head as I was sitting on the side of the road outside of Willisville, population 262, and I had no signal to make a phone call with my cellular phone. What's a girl to do? Let the car rest and then come back to it. I tell you, a little positive thinking goes a long way because when I started the car again I was able to make the smooth ride home. Now that I'm back home the car won't start. But at least I'm stranded at home and not in backwoods Arkansas. But before that dramatic, and possible traumatic experience, I had decided that I would make one last attempt at doing something productive the last couple of weeks of summer before I have to go back to school. I am going to attempt to lost weight. 10lbs. Right now I'm at 245 which is a lot but the first 10 pounds will definitely be a good start and then I'll go from there. It's not so much for my looks but how I feel. I don't want to end up having a heart attack or a stroke. My blood pressure is already high and I'm starting to have pains that probably would go away if I just lose a few pounds. So I'm going to do it. I'll keep you posted on it.

Ten Years Gone

2008-07-31T22:40:00.002-05:00

It hasn't been ten years of anything yet but at this particular moment it seems like a fitting title. I'm listening to that song right now by Led Zeppelin. It's a song that I tend to skip over on my mp3 player but I think it's because I often forget that it's actually one of my favorites by Led Zeppelin. It's making me think right now as I write this post about a few things like what my life might be like ten years from now. Who I'll meet. Who I'll forget. What I'll be doing. You know, stuff like that. For the last couple of months I've been pretty stressed over something that I can't really put my finger on and what makes it so sad is that it's probably something that's looking me right in the face and I don't even realize it. I suppose that's one of the best things about writing your feelings down as opposed to telling someone about it. That way no one can tell you what your problem is and how you need to fix it. You can just vent and figure things out for yourself. At least that's one of the benefits I've gotten from it. But in my mind I have these characters with issues and sometimes they all balance out and sometimes they don't. Sometimes things are happening between these characters in real-time. Now, before you start thinking I have some kind of multiple personality disorder, I don't. I imagine these characters and I give them personalities and flaws and try to make them seem more lifelike. I guess maybe that's why I like to write poetry, plays, short stories and whatever else because in my mind there's a soap opera going on and I always like to make myself the pretty one that never ages but is one of the few that actually gains wisdom with age. The only way I can really express that without being looked at funny is through poetry or storytelling. Who knows? Maybe it'll all be published someday. Just hopefully if it does well it'll be published while I'm alive and not after I'm dead. On the other hand, if it sinks then I hope I am dead, that way I don't have to listen to any of the negative reviews. In a way, I'd like to know what will happen ten years from now. I'd like a particular coworker of mine to be in my future in a positve way but I won't hold out too much hope for that. But then again, I really don't want to know. I'm curious about it but not enough to actually attempt to go through any motions to find out. You know? Well, I guess that's enough rambling tonight...Maybe I should've used Ramble On for today's title instead of Ten Years Gone. Oh, well. I'll Ramble On later.

I'm So Excited

2008-07-30T23:05:00.004-05:00

So I decided, instead of cramming all of Friday's work into Thursday, I just won't do anything on Thursday except promote the site. That's really all I care to do, especially since I'm supposed to be leaving on Friday and I haven't even started packing my things. I guess I'm kind of a procrastinator. I'm still sick of my day job (well, night job) and I'm really looking forward to the day when I make my first sale. I'm also looking forward to the day where I won't have to see that sexy coworker of time so that I can stop torturing myself. He's so beautiful and at one point it was really hard to even talk to him without getting caught up in my own not-so-clean mental images of him. But ultimately, what I think I'm trying to say is...the title of today's post might actually apply to the post today. How about that? I have a bunch to be excited about. I'm just tired. I'm feeling excited and tired and it's a horrible conflict because it can be quite irritating at times. Can you feel me?

Monday, Monday

2008-07-28T14:01:00.000-05:00

Now, yesterday's post was Manic Monday but it was Sunday. Today is actually Monday. I'm halfway through the day now and I've actually accomplished at least one thing on my to-do list. Whoopee!! I've done inventory, I've washed my hair, and that's about it. I still need to straighten my hair (with the hotcomb, no perms), finish my laundry, fill out tax papers, write out checks for my bills, and get some info on an essay contest. Yeah, I'm really making progress. But never fear. There's still plenty of time left in the day. I just need to work around the fact that I have to go to work tonight. I guess that's what I get for being unproductive yesterday. But it was Sunday. You're supposed to be lazy on Sunday. I'll really have to work this week, though. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I'll be out of town so I'll need to push the rest of today's work into Tuesday and all of Friday's work into Thursday in order to stay on track next week. (This is the part where I scream) But I got to have faith. Faith in myself and my ability to make things happen. Monday...what can I say?

Manic Monday

2008-07-27T13:59:00.000-05:00

Today is actually Sunday but I'm all but looking forward to tomorrow. Back to the grind. Back to work for the Man and back to work for myself. Sometimes I think working for myself is worse than working for the man. But tomorrow is Monday. And I won't be a total pessimist about it. I figured if I can't be optimistic about something I should at least be neutral. So that's what I'll try to be, neutral. Tomorrow I have to do inventory and then it's back to promoting. I think I'll save the shameless plug for later on this week. You'd think it would be easy to do inventory when you haven't sold anything but according to a few reviews I've recieved about the site my inventory is small. So I have to build. I'll work on building tomorrow, then Tuesday through Thursday I'll promote, then Friday is when I do all of the paper work...writing down the inventory. Saturday and Sunday I have off, then Monday is when I upload all of the paperwork into the computer. I tell you, when this business gets off the ground I'm definitely hiring someone to do all of this. Make sure you check back often, I might have a job posted for you. But putting all the work aside I must say that I have done absolutely nothing interesting this entire weekend. Let's just hope next weekend will be better. One can only hope. But tomorrow is Monday. Good ole' Monday.

The Best Is Yet To Come

2008-07-26T20:58:00.000-05:00

I've had to learn to balance everything. Balance work and play. I'm still learning. I've yet to make any money from my site but I will not give up. It's just very frustrating. But I will succeed. I don't want to say that I'm stressing but I am. It sucks, too. I've been unhappy and my health has been suffering a little moreso than normal and that's not good. My weight is at an all time high and I'm really starting to see the effects of it. Even when I lay down my feet hurt. I get winded easily. I have headaches due to blood pressure. Surely someone can relate! I'm just tired of everything but the only way it'll change is if I change it. I think I'm getting to that breaking point where I'm ready to change it. Help me out PLEASE!!!

Patience

2008-07-17T21:52:00.000-05:00

I've been working on the website (which I will shamelessly plug now...TP Random Work With The Right Tools, Decorate With The Right Accessories) that is supposed to secure my financial future. My store. It's been about three weeks since I first really began to put my heart and soul into it. I've been kind of half-heartedly doing it for the last year. Right now I'm learning a few of life's valuable lessons.

1. Patience is a virtue. I want immediate results because I'm broke and I at least need to break even with all of the expenses associated with the site. (Please don't spam me with Get-Rich-Quick schemes)

2. Balance work and play. As of late I've been working and I'm coming to the realization that other things aren't getting done. Actually, I came to that realization last week when my old computer monitor died and I had to do without one for a few days. I had to put a time limit on all of my computer activity because I was depending on the kindness of others and their computers. Now I'm trying to figure out that balance and balance everything out before I move next month.

3. It takes money to make money. Really, it does. Now I know that very little in life comes to you free...gosh! That's why I'm in such a hurry to break even, then eventually make a profit. But with everything comes a sacrifice. I'm making mine and it borderline sucks. But I have to keep the faith and keep working at it. I'll succeed eventually, hopefully sooner than later.

4. Did I mention that patience was a virtue? I mean, really, it is really a virtue. It's hard being patient. But that's really all I can be right now. I can keep fine tuning the site to rid it of as many imperfections as I possibly can and keep promoting. Eventually, hopefully sooner than later, someone will purchase something and I'll have a little more peace of mind.

So the moral of today's story is, patience is a virtue!

Have A Nice Day

2008-07-16T13:50:00.000-05:00

While I won't say that today's work day totally sucked, it wasn't exactly sunshine and roses. I answer phones for a pizza restaurant. It's not hard. And even though I love my coworker dearly (she's a really good friend of mine) she might as well not even been there. I should not have had to answer that f****** phone by myself. Then she left work early to go to one of the other branches of the store to have a drink with the manager that she has the hots for. I mean, I'm in lust with one of the guys there too but (actually there are no 'buts', he's sexy) come on! I only have one month left there before I move to another city but I'm so ready to go. I'm bored to tears with my job and today was just so frustrating for me. The shared cell phone plan that I'm on is about to expire so I'll be without a cell phone for a little while. Why can't I get another? Well, I make $6.89 an hour and gas is $4 a gallon. Something's not quite balancing out. But I suppose I'll get over it. I'm bound to find some other job that pays just a little bit more but I have to deal with this for the next month and I'm not entirely happy with that. I'm just really, really tired. I have had this huge crush one of my coworkers since the day I first saw him and it's kind of gone through some hills and valleys in its intensity but its always been there. But I can't have him and my mind tells me that I don't want him because he's just a little bit untamed. Or maybe that's just my hormones. Anyway, there's so much more I can go on about and I'd never get through half of it. So the inspiration behind today's title...when the world gets in my face I say Have A Nice Day.

Takin' Care of Business

2008-07-16T13:48:00.000-05:00

So, getting this site up that I've been working on has been a little bit of a challenge. Actually, getting the site up isn't the challenge it's the getting people to come to the site and fine tuning it to make it more appealing that's been so challenging. I opened up a store and now I'm just trying to get some customers. My overall goal is to actually make money off of this site. I've come across so many darn get rich quick schemes that it's sickening. Right now I'm just having to do some good old fashioned hard work. And at times that sucks but I can do it and I will continue to do it because I know that eventually it'll pay off. I just have to be a little patient. Patience...why does it have to be a virtue?

It's My Life

2008-07-09T13:45:00.000-05:00

Well, I've had to take control over my life after I've come to the sad realization that I'm not happy. I haven't been for while. I'm bored with my job and I'm broke. My computer monitor just died and my weight has hit an all-time high. What do I do about it? I fix it. I've decided to open an internet store, I'm buying another computer monitor within the next few days and I'm starting an exercise program. Why? Because, it's my life. I'm tired of being tired and unhappy. I've been bored to tears for the majority of the summer and now I have something to keep me occupied. Now that I've said that, I'm going to go watch Tom and Jerry on Cartoon Network and I'm going to enjoy the rest of my night.

You Can't Turn Me Off

2008-05-18T21:56:00.000-05:00

So, I've reached the end of a long journey...the end of an era in my life. An era which I'm sure plenty can relate to, whether it's high school graduation, changing jobs, going to college, or starting a relationship. I'm saying "goodbye" to people, "see you later" to some, and "hello" to others. There's one guy (Yes, I can be a little guy crazy) with the name of a bandit, and I am crazy about him. I supposedly said my last "goodbye" to him a few days ago but I don't like the thought of never seeing him again without asking him out. What's the worst that can happen? He'll say no? If he does, then that's okay. I'll never have to see him again. But I'm scared. Why? Because I don't want to be told "no". It's not that I can't take rejection. I just don't want to. By the way, I never did lose the weight for that dress (But I still looked good in it. Maybe pretty soon I'll be bold enough to put up a picture). Aside from all of that, I'm just at a point in my life where things are happening...changing. I'm at a crossroads and there are some times when that really isn't all that pleasant. But the purpose of the title today, is the bandit that's stolen my heart. The actual song may not apply to the situation but the title does...sort of.

If I Knew

2008-04-27T20:55:00.000-05:00

Who knew that life could be so hard? Well, I guess a lot of people knew that but I had to find that out the hard way. There is this thing called stress and it's not very pleasant. But all of life isn't hard. Actually, there are some parts that can be very sweet. Going through the latter part of my youth I found a lot of what the hard times could be like. Coming to the realization that I was and am still broke. I have financial hardships, like many other people. I don't necessarily eat right, which isn't a good thing and my body suffers as a result. And then there's that age old problem...worrying about someone who may or may not be worried about you. Isn't that a good one. But you learn to keep the faith, or at least I have. The last couple of months have been hellish for my bank account and my own horrible willpower as been of very little use to me as of late. But I have begun to make some progress towards my own well-being as I have reevaluated my willpower and decided to take charge of my life and make the necessary changes. Changes which will be elaborated on at a later time. I went through the self-loathing. I went through the tears. I went through the headaches. I went through the mental strain. I'm still going through it. And I know that there's more in the future. But what I am in the process of learning is that it won't last forever. What got me through my hard times and prepared my for the good was my faith in God. You may or may not have that same faith but I prayed. And I tried my best to let go and let God. Sometimes I get impatient. Sometimes I try too hard to take things into my own hands when I know that they are out of my control. Somtimes I try to hard. But what I am learning now is to not cry about what I can't control. But to live with it and make the best of it. Otherwise it'll kill me. That can't happen...at least not yet. Everyday there's a lesson, and I'm trying to learn them...but not the hard way. But life is good. It's good because I'm making it good. If I knew that living life could be so sweet, I'd run to it with no delay. I'm running.

My Love

2008-04-09T21:44:00.001-05:00

I'll start from the beginning...well, not the very beginning but somewhere between then and now. About a year and a few months ago there was this guy. His name was, well, is Anthony. I had a huge crush on him. He was a football player and not a very good one. I had never really had a male in my life and I had never approached one so I decided to step up to him and ask him out. He told me he was after some girl and that he couldn't go out with me. At first I was okay, but then I had a delayed reaction. I cried. It was the first time I had approached a guy and the first time I had been rejected. I didn't know why it hurt so much but it did. And I hated the feeling of being hurt, especially when he wasn't even my boyfriend. But was probably why I was hurt, because he wasn't my boyfriend. I was actually glad for it later when I realized that he was somewhat of a harlot. Then there was Reginald. I met him while I was still boohooing over Anthony. He worked at the grocery store that I worked at and he made his interest in me known by asking for my phone number. It didn't take long for me to figure out that he liked me because he did little things, said little things. Then I heard little things. Like from another one of my coworkers he had been flirting with. She was complaining because he had been calling her and she had a boyfriend but she wouldn't let him go because he had been giving her money. Apparently he thought that since she was accepting his gifts that she liked him as much as he liked her. When she first talked about it I laughed it off because I knew that he liked me. So, after I waited a few days to give my number I talked to him and found out from him that everything she said was true. (Why couldn't he give me money?) Then he talked about being cheated on and being hurt before and I wasn't ready for all of that. And he kept rushing me. He pushed me and pushed me until finally I gave in and for probably a week we were "boyfriend and girlfriend". I really don't know what it was. But I didn't really like him and I didn't really want to be his girlfriend. I liked being liked by him and he said things to me that I wanted to hear, especially after my experience with Anthony. Finally, Reginald and I just grew apart. (He said he'd call me back and he never did. Oh well.) Then there was Gabriel. When I first started talking to him he had a girlfriend, so when I talked to him I wasn't trying to flirt. I wasn't trying to steal him from anybody. I was just talking to him. I didn't talk to him everyday. I would talk to him once every two or three months until finally, it had been so long since I had called him I lost his number. So, I found him online and called him and everything was back to normal. Once every two or three months we'd talk until finally we met. (I had never seen him before because I met him online) That meeting was...awkward. Maybe not to him...but to me...it was...very awkward. He kept touching me. He would not stop touching me. I need my space. He wouldn't give it to me. Since then he's been kind of unhappy since I don't call him everyday. I've never called him everyday. I only talk to him once every two or three months. What should change? My schedule was not going to suddenly change just because I met him in person, nor was my interest in him "romantically". I was never interested in him that way but obviously he was in me. Then there was Byron. I met him when I went to go get my oil changed about a month ago. He worked there (not changing oil, he was too clean). He made me laugh by tellig me the story of a mishap between him and a female friend (or ex-friend), then he gave me his number as I walked out the door. (I'm never getting my oil changed there again. It's too expensive. I only went because I had a coupon.) After pondering whether or not I should call, I decided to call him the next night. He invited me to his house the day after that. When I got to his house I found out that he's twelve years older than me, he smokes weed, and he has two kids. But for some reason beyond me that didn't send me running. Usually if I hear something like that I'm immediately turned off but not this time. The next day I went back to his house to find out that he's a former drug dealer. That still didn't really bother me. If anything, what bothers me the most about him is that he has a prepaid phone. His phone is almost always off, so it's nearly impossible to get in contact with him. Well, about a week later he disappears. I find out from a source that he left town because he was in the process of buying a car from someone, he had the money to pay that person but he didn't, so he took himself and the car two hours away to another town and hid for a week. Needless to say, he doesn't work at the automotive place where I met him anymore. You don't just up and leave town without notice and expect to still have a job when you come back. The first couple of days he was gone I tried to call him but I couldn't get an anwser. Then his phone would go straight to voicemail. Then the phone was off. At first I thought he just wasn't answering. Then after I had prayed about it, I thought that he must have left the phone somewhere and it died. When I finally managed to reach him, I learned that was exactly what happened. (Ain't God good?) Since then I haven't really been in contact with him, not because I don't want to be but because either he's a little preoccupied (I imagine he would be) or the phone is off(What is he spending his money on?). I want to not like him, but I do. I've prayed about it and at this point that's all I can do. He rarely calls me on his own (I hate prepaid) and it seems as if he doesn't live at the house I went to anymore. So, where can he be? (Who knows?) But I think about him alot. I hate it, too. I finally find a mutual like (He likes or liked me and I like him) but I can't ever seem to get in touch with Mr. Runaway (aka Byron).
What was the point of me writing all of that? Well, before I was okay with not having a guy in my life. I lived with it. I was lonely alot, but I lived with it. I had been hit on before but I never really came across anybody that I didn't mind being hit on by. Then I meet Byron (aka Mr. Runaway) and I like him but I don't know where he is. So maybe that's what hurts. Sometimes it does hurt to think about him because I think about the fact that there is or at least was mutual like and, while I won't say that I can't have him, it'll be very difficult to have him. But at this point all I can do is pray. Pray that he's okay and that if it's meant to be, that it'll be. I won't chase him down and kidnap him, as tempting as it is. But I will keep him in my prayers and I'll pray that I forget about him. Right now I kind of wish I had never gotten that coupon. I'd have never been in that auto shop if I hadn't had it. Then I would have never met him. It's a yucky feeling...I try to focus on other things but it's hard to...because I'm sad. Not just over him but over everything. I was already stressed when I met him, meeting him and worrying about whether or not somebody is going to try and shoot him over a car has really done nothing but make things worse. So my stress is just amplified by his MIA status. But I just have to try to clean myself up and get happy, so that I can attract another man...preferably one who's not on the run.

Golden

2008-04-08T21:38:00.001-05:00

For the longest time I couldn't decide what I wanted to do my blog about. Now I know. I'll do my blog about me. Why not? I'll try not to seem so selfish. But I've come to the point in my life where I'm experiencing a revelation... What is this revelation revealing? It is revealing what I should have been feeling, thinking, speaking, and living for my entire life. I have come to realize that I should love myself more, live my life, trust in God, and see my beauty and potential. In the words of Jill Scott, I'm living my life like it's golden. The last couple of months have revealed to me the beginning of my true personality and I'm bound to surprise myself with a few of the things that I'll find in the near future, I'm sure. I don't plan to spend all my time discussing my beauty or my intelligence because it is something that doesn't need to be discussed. It is something that I choose to celebrate on my own and it is something that I encourage everyone to do without being vain about it. What do I truly feel about myself? Well...I know I have flaws. I have quite a few flaws. But some of my flaws are what make me who I am. Some of my flaws could stand a little fixin'. I know how smart I can be, but I also have some really dumb moments. I think I'm a nice looking girl, but some people don't think so. I can live with that. I'm no longer ashamed of my plus sized frame and now losing weight is something that I choose to do for my health rather than my looks. I've never really had a problem attracting a man. For a long time I disliked myself. I disliked everything about me. Not anymore. I have to live with me, so it'll be very uncomfortable living the rest of myself without liking myself. I can't dislike myself anymore. Because I have to live with me. So now, I'm finally starting to see what I am worth...which is much more than I give myself credit for.

Confusion

2007-06-30T17:34:00.000-05:00

Now, a couple of months ago I opened up a website, you know, on one of those freespaces, and I have no I idea what I should put on it. I've considered making an online portfolio of all of my past theatrical and writing accomplishments. I could just make an online diary. I could dedicate it to one of my favorite actors, Al Pacino. I could do a lot of things. What, I don't know. What I do know, however, is that I might try to write a novel for Harlequin. You know, romance novels. It could work. Right now I need some money so now I'm coming up with almost every possible way to get some...a regular job isn't covering my needs. What to do, oh, what to do.

Creative Juices

2007-03-28T17:20:00.000-05:00

For the life of me I can not seem to get my creative juices flowing. For a while now I've been trying to reopen what I unknowingly closed a couple of years ago. I'm attempting to design a website with my limited web page designing knowledge and I'm trying to write new poems and stories and I'm trying to work on my acting skills and I'm trying, trying, trying. It's crazy... and frustrating. It'll all come back to me soon I guess. I hate the feeling, though. It's a headache. On top of that I'm trying to make some money. That makes it even worse. Fortunately or unfortunately, there's still a lot of room to grow and move so it'll be an even more interesting experience.

I'm Back for a Moment

2007-03-18T18:37:00.000-05:00

It seems that I've regained a passion I once had for writing as well as a new passion for the theatre. I only hope to expand upon it. Out of the blue I decided to reread some of the things I wrote a couple of years ago and I realize now that I once had a talent. I'm sure I still have that talent...if I tried. Well, we'll see.

To Hell and Back Again

2005-10-03T20:51:00.000-05:00

This past month has been pretty "if-ie". It's been pretty rough. I hope to soon get more visitors to my website but that's alright. It'll happen soon. I don't really have much to write now. I suppose it's just writer's block. I also notice that I use the word/letter "I" a lot. Goods things will happen soon. Let's just hope when they do happen I'll remember to blog it. Empathy & Apathy.

Back In The Habit

2005-09-01T10:17:00.000-05:00

Tee hee hee... Like I was ever in the habit. Well, I'll come on and post every now and then but now I have to kind of focus on a few other things. Wow... now I've been reading Less than Zero and been trying to finish a few projects and promote my website (might as well...http://www.poetrypoem.com/poetic1033). Posting on messageboards and playing games is the most that I've done the last couple of days. I just felt the need to type something.

First Days

2005-04-15T21:07:00.000-05:00

Well, what can I say other than Hello? First blog, first post, just now figuring out the internet world through the world famous Google. All of a sudden I feel the journalist in me. I haven't quite decided what I want to do with my life yet. I'm still working on that. A journalist, a chef, an athlete, a mathematician, and who knows what else. This is so unfamiliar to me I don't know how to explain it. I wonder how long it will take for it to become familiar. Wow. This is an awful feeling, not knowing what to say, what to write (Or should I say type?). That's the rouble with being a writer. I write poetry. And stories and one day I'll try my hand at songs since I'm quite the music lover. What can you learn about me? I'm a Jimi Hendrix fan. What can you learn from me? I haven't the slightest clue. Maybe you and I will both learn from this experience. So, might as well end this on a good note. I don't know how many if any people will read this but hopefully you'll find my life more humorous than I do. I guess I'll have to promote if I want people to read this. Hmmm.... Well, I'll end this like I end my journal entries.
Empathy & Apathy
L.A.